


Dam You!

by sandyk



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 10:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3324851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gayle and Tina are creative types.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dam You!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [possibilityleft](https://archiveofourown.org/users/possibilityleft/gifts).



> Not mine. No profit garnered. Thanks to R for beta help.

"It was real nice of you to come over and help mom while Dad is out having fun," Tina said to Aunt Gayle. She knew Aunt Gayle needed a break, too, since Dad had said apparently Aunt Gayle spent a weekend in the crazy house two weeks ago. Tina had told him that wasn't the right way to refer to it and Dad had said, no, it was an actual Crazy House, a retreat for artists who were troubled. It had really stressed Aunt Gayle out, according to Mom. Mom said Aunt Gayle went looking for her muse and only found mice. 

Tina would have hated finding mice when she was looking for anything so she sympathized with Aunt Gayle.

"Bob is not having fun," Mom said. "He's spending two days with Hugo in some awful food safety seminar."

"In Baltimore!" Gene screamed. "Who doesn't have fun in Baltimore?"

"I think those people on the Wire," Mom said. "I don't know, I don't watch those kind of shows. But Ginger's husband watched it and she tried to tell me about it once. Those people were not having fun. They were too busy getting shot."

Louise stared at all them with her usual silent contempt. It warmed Tina's heart in a way. A sisterly way.

Then Mom went back to working at the restaurant. She worked hard for the money. 

Gene said, "Aunt Gayle, did you cause a fire by doing something with a dam? A mental dam?"

"A dental dam," Aunt Gayle said.

Louise said, "What's a dental dam?"

"It's like a condom, but for your mouth. Of course, that's not how I use it."

Tina already knew what dental dams were for. When she had the laptop, she read sites like Scarleteen and tumblr to find out more about sex for her erotic friend fiction. She was really into Boyz 4 Now fanfiction right now. She'd read an angry rant on tumblr that had a lot of gifs in it complaining that so many people who wrote Boys 4 Now turning into girls seemed to hate women's bodies. Tina remembered the rant because the tumblrer had written "why do you all hate your own vaginas" and Tina had said out loud "I don't hate my vagina" and Gene had said, "I don't hate my vagina either." The rant continued about safe sex and how people should use dental dams and condoms. Which is how Tina had known to look it up on Scarleteen. She never wrote Boys 4 Now as girls, though. She wrote them grabbing each other butts. 

Aunt Gayle said, "That's how I use them." Tina had missed everything. Louise and Gene had identical looks of incredible horror so Tina quickly pretended she felt the same way.

"Oh my god," Tina said. "I can't believe that, Aunt Gayle."

Louise shuddered. She said, "I have to gouge my own eyes out so I won't see anything related to anything you just said when I close my eyes. Or open my eyes. Or have eyes in my head."

"Then do me," Gene said. They both ran out of the room.

"Hey, Aunt Gayle, I'm glad it's just the two of us," Tina said. "Sometimes Louise doesn't get stuff, you know?"

"No, I don't know what you mean," Aunt Gayle said. 

"I feel like I saw an artwork of yours on a website, um, tumblr? It was a beautiful drawing of the four men from Boyz 4 Now as centaurs. I really liked it."

"Oh," Aunt Gayle said. "That was just a phase. I've moved on to half man half cat. Or were-cats."

"Cats aren't sexy like horses."

Aunt Gayle glared. "Cats are better in every way than horses."

Tina knew they had reached an impasse. They weren't going to settle this right now as Aunt Gayle took a long time to come around to the right way of thinking. Tina said, "Agree to disagree. So, are you seeing anyone? Like dating, not physically seeing them in your line of sight. Let's get our girl talk in before the little ones come back."

Aunt Gayle said, "Not really. There was Dr.Yap, and Mr. Fishodor, and Dennis, and Mort very briefly and this fellow I met in an alley near my apartment who was very interested and there was a man on the bus. But you know how it is."

"So many butts, so little time," Tina said. 

Mom walked in and said, "Come on, Tina, there's so much more to you than boys. You two should be talking about poetry, you're both writers. You know, writers! Writers talking about writing! You got that from me, Tina, we're the creative family." 

"Sure," Tina said. "Aunt Gayle, what's your creative process?"

"Well," Aunt Gayle said. "Usually I'm just talking to my cats and the ideas just flow out of my mouth. I have to stop and ask the cats if they liked it and if they did then I try to think of it again and then I check with the cats again and by the fourth time I'm pretty sure it's not good. But the idea is there! And then I think about it some more and after a few more times I sit down and let it flow. Usually while sitting on the toilet."

Mom said, "Fascinating. Fascinating. How about you, Tina? Please don't mention toilets, though."

"Well," Tina said. "I have a dream, and then I write it down and make it make more sense. Like, it doesn't make sense for Louise to be President, so I write it with Xandar from the Equestranauts as President. Or I see a butt and I think someone should grab it. Who should grab it? Whose butt would that butt want to grab, but only consensually. Butt grabs are no fun without consensuality."

"I think we can all agree on that. Consensuality," Mom said, nodding. "When I write a song, it just comes right out of me. Just like you two are saying. Gene has that, too. The crazy and the creativity."

"But Tina has a lot of Bob in her," Aunt Gayle said. 

"Especially in the nose and feet," Tina said. "Dad and I have very similar feet."

"No, you're grounded and calm and that thing. In Bob I would call it bland," Aunt Gayle said. 

"Bob can be very bland," Mom said. "Thank God, not where it counts." She winked badly at Aunt Gayle. Tina did not want to think about that.

"But I'm not bland," Tina said. "I'm a fascinating young woman."

Mom nodded. "Exactly, you're amazing, Tina."

"And you have Linda, not our mom. Our mom never supported my art. She never called me fascinating," Aunt Gayle said. 

"She was nice," Mom said. "She was a good mom."

Aunt Gayle said, "I know you think that." 

"Let's not fight, Gayle, come on," Mom said.

"Yeah," Tina said. "We're three creative, intelligent, sensual women of the world."

Mom smiled and Aunt Gayle did, too. Aunt Gayle said, "You know what? I have my muse and I don't even need to ask my cat this time. I am going to paint my three favorite ladies, Linda, Tina, and Louise."

"Where is Louise?" Mom said.

"She ran out after Aunt Gayle explained what she used dental dams for. It's not sex," Tina said.

Linda stood up. "I'll get her. You set up that canvass, Gayle!" 

Louise made a lot of faces, but it still turned out pretty great. Even Dad liked it.


End file.
